i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize