Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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