Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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