I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
