Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
