it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
