is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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