At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize