Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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