Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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