On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
