Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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