All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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