Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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