I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
