The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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