I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
