Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize