I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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