If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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