I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
