So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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