Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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