I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
