How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
