She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
