Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
