I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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