I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize