ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
FUCK WHALES
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
