you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
