she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
