Don't you send me to vm
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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