Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
