Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
