none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm really busy with my period
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