does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i was born a porn star she said
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
