We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
