I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
