i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I want to fling myself into the sun
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
