As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
