I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
