If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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