They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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