As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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