So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
it's not cheating when I paid for it
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
