If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she peed on how many people?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
