he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
