Already got asked if we're dating
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize