the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
