Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize