Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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