I love black thongs
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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