On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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