I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
