Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
