just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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